The Unlearning

When Trung and I first got married, I wrote a few blogs about what I was learning in a second marriage (at least the things I felt ok sharing because they were about me). Three years in, and I am still learning, but I know at this point that will never stop. I think we both have grown to accept each other a bit more the past few years, and I think we can see each other’s strengths and be there for each other in ways we couldn’t the first year.

What I didn’t expect though, is how much unlearning I had to do. Sure – he had a lot of unlearning as well – but his was unlearning bachelor life. It’s a bit different, and I’m not going to speak for him.

I know there are other things that can cause unlearning as well, but re-marrying late in life after a long first marriage happens to be my vantage point, so its the only thing I can speak from. Almost three years in and here is what I have un-learned thus far. Perhaps some of you can relate, perhaps it will be an encouragement for those of you just starting the journey.

I had to unlearn being the one who was always in charge, because I married someone who was able to lead as well as I could, and was also good in a crisis. I had to unlearn being anxious when things didn’t turn out exactly as planned, because I married someone that could roll with whatever happened. I had to unlearn story building in my head, because I married someone that didn’t share every thought and concern… and because as it turns out, most of those stories in my head were wrong anyway.

I had to unlearn staying quiet and taking what was said, asking questions and pushing back a little, because we both made wrong assumptions. I had to unlearn (and am still unlearning this one) that just because we disagree, I don’t have to stay worried that we’re not ok, because I married someone that doesn’t ruminate over things. Once it’s over, it’s over. We think differently about some things, and it doesn’t mean he’s giving up.

I had to unlearn proving myself to the people I meet, because I married someone who had a community already built that welcomed me in without question. (They knew he wouldn’t marry just anyone.) I had to unlearn that I need to do everything perfect right away, because I married someone that has a lifetime of skilled craft that I am just now starting to learn (and I just have a different skill set of things I’ve studied… and I’m sure he’s learning from me on that.)

When I have lamented that it’s still a challenge to connect emotionally, I have had to unlearn thinking that everyone knows how to voice what they are feeling (or even wants to). I have had to pay attention to actions, because truly his actions are always louder than his words. I have had to unlearn that everything God is doing in someone’s life has to be called out and discussed, because some things are hidden and secret, and that is ok.

I have had to unlearn the evangelical template of marriage I was given in my 20’s, because when two lives are blended later in life, their trajectory and purpose for marrying is vastly different… but it is just as beautiful.

I truly believe that he is a gift to me, and I am a gift to him, and that we experience this gift to each other in different ways.

“Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain” (Psalm 127:1)

The biggest thing I have had to unlearn is that because I was married before, I know what is best for us growing together. This verse is a constant reminder to me that it is the Lord, the One who called us together, that is building something greater than I could every build.

For those of you who are on this same journey – or even for those of you just starting in marriage – I humbly offer that perhaps its not just a question of what we need to LEARN in marriage, but also what we need to UNLEARN as well. Sometimes letting go of old patterns and old ways of thinking goes a long way.

Amen Lord, Amen. I am so grateful you walk this journey of marriage with us!