Mary’s Magnificat

Wrote this last year but never posted. I think it’s time. For anyone going through loss this season, you are seen, its ok to not be ok this season. May this bring you even the slightest glimmer of hope.

This time of year, I’m sure every pastor tries to add a new spin on an old story, one we read and hear, year after year. Mary and her angelic visitor, Joseph and his reaction to the news of her pregnancy out of wedlock. It’s often difficult to put ourselves back in the mindset of their culture, trying to think about all the things that were going on in their head and mind, and what motivated them to react and make the decisions they did.

Today as I listened to yet another sermon on Mary, I was reminded of a Sunday seven years ago where I sat in church, carrying a secret no one new and that no one would believe. Words can’t even describe the mix of emotion and discord in me that day, but I knew in that moment what it must have been like for Mary in a way I never expected.

Seven years ago in December, I knew my marriage of nearly 25 years was over, and in some mysterious way, I knew the Lord was in it. I knew that no one would believe me, that I was about to bless my first husband in the leaving, as much as it tore me apart. I knew that was what Jesus was asking me to do. So I sat in church, full of fear and having absolutely NO idea what was ahead of me, but knowing it was going to be one of the hardest things I had ever faced.

Imaginary church voices of shame, condemnation, and disbelief. Internal voices of fear, questions I didn’t even have the courage to voice, and hanging by a thread in a season that was supposed to be full of joy.

Joy eluded me. I’m sure some of you know the feeling, when life just comes unraveled

Psalms 34:5 was an anchor for me in that season: “Those who look to him are radiant, their faces will never be covered with shame.”

I kept things close to the vest those early years, healing.

I felt like Job, everything being taken away.

I saw things in myself I didn’t like, things that needed to change.

I finally understood why people doubt God…. And sometimes walk away.

Turned off the radio with disdain around songs that talked about God giving and taking away

Ignored instagram posts about rejoicing in trials. Seriously?

Deep heartache doesn’t need shallow promises.

It needs the deep healing that can only come from one who had walked the road of death and come out the other side.

I clung with everything within me to the truth that life after death, in this age, was possible.

I cried a lot. Prayed a lot.

Tried to voice trust when it didn’t seem real, that something good was on the other side

For those of you going through a dark night of the soul, its hard to believe – I know.

No one tells you early on that this is the stuff of faith. We minimize the statement Jesus makes when he reminds his disciples that “in this world you will have trouble”… and our faith is shaken for sure when they come.

Somehow the ancients were able to hold this tension better than we were in this western world, and they could see over the span of time and generations that God was still at work in their lives and in history. They wrestled with his goodness, they called him to task on his faithfulness. They challenged their soul to not forget.

So if this describes you this season, as the world gears up for way too much consumerism and decorations and incessant calls to “buy this!” And “be merry!” —

Find the songs or poems or images that become your anthem in this dark night.

Find the verses or quotes that remind you that there is blessing on the backside of hardship. There is sweet fruit after a pruning and winter thaw. Hold to that, even when it’s hard to see.

SEEK THE ONE WHO MADE YOU…..no matter what you think about the big “C” church and the people that make it up (all flawed, very much in need of grace, like all of humanity)

“The Body Keeps the Score”, as Besser van der Kolk would say – and I believe it doesn’t just hold trauma. The body keeps record of the healings too, the growth and the good and the moving beyond, and that’s what hit me today.

Seven years beyond my life shifting in a way I would never have expected….seven years from when I was reminded “I am doing a new thing, can you not perceive it?”…in a year where I have leaned into the lessons of the Jubilee Year and let go of some things I still needed to let go of, and gathered back into my own heart and life things I thought were gone…

Today I will echo Mary’s song.

The Mighty One has done great things for me. Holy is his name!

In this season, no matter where your life has taken you, or what you are still in the midst of, may you take time to remember, to look back and see what the Lord has done for you.

Blessings, my friends!